Story editing...

I realise I don't get marked for the actual writing of the story but I will need to consider where text goes on pages and everything so today I edited down my story even further. I would like to rewrite the part where the girl explains things to her mum and I need to take into account that "ours" doesn't always rhyme with "bars" depending on what part of the world you're from (dammit Sam) so that will probably need to be rewritten too. But I'm quite happy with the rest of it for now.

The Takers

In a strange, distant world, mostly hidden from view,

Live the creatures that we call the takers, who knew?

They take babies from mums; they take brothers and sons,

They take daughters and sisters and put them in buns.

A young taker was saddened by such selfish deeds,

So she asked adult takers just what was the need.

She approached a great beast that was chomping away,

And she said just what she’d always wanted to say.

“Excuse me?” Said the girl, “We’ve got plenty to eat.”

“It’s not right to take creatures to chomp on their meat.”

“No no no!” He replied “You just don’t understand,”

“We’re the takers who take, and we take what we can.”

The next taker took creatures from far, faraway,

And he kept them in cages, alone and afraid.

“Excuse me…” Said the girl, “But these creatures aren’t ours.”

“It’s not right to put creatures alone behind bars.”

“No no no” He replied, “You just don’t understand”

“We’re the takers who take, and we take what we can.”

Next she spoke to a taker, who used creatures’ skins,

As shoes, belts, coats, hats, scarves and various things.

“Excuse me?” Said the girl, standing on tippy-toes,

“It’s not right to use creatures to make things like clothes.”

“No no no!” She replied “You just don’t understand”

“We’re the takers who take and we take what we can”

The next taker she saw had a science-y mind,

He did tests on small creatures to help his own kind.

“Excuse me?” Said the girl, “This makes no sense to me…”

“It’s not right to hurt others to help you and me.”

 “No no no!” He replied “You just don’t understand”
“We’re the takers who take and we take what we can”

So she made her way home, feeling angry and glum,

She stormed into her house and she said to her mum.

“I can’t see how it’s right; I can’t see how it’s fair.”

“There’s no need to use creatures at all!” She declared.

“No no no.” Her mum said “You just don’t understand.”

“We’re the takers who…” “STOP!” Came the young girl’s demand.

“I have spoken to others who say just the same,”

So she sat with her mum and she tried to explain.

Several minutes had passed while the girl made her case,

Then her mother had tears rolling right down her face.

“I am so proud of you and your heart is so pure.”

“We won’t take from the creatures at all anymore.”

Meanwhile other takers were thinking things through,

Was their taking of creatures the right thing to do?

The great beast that was chomping on flesh and on bones,

And the woman who used creature’s skins as her own.

The man who kept creatures in cages for zoos,

And the science-y man began wondering too.

“We’re the takers who take, but we’ve taken too much”

“With our self-centered ways we’ve begun to lose touch.”

So they set loose the creatures and marched out to find,

The young taker who’d helped them to open their minds.

Knock, knock, knock came the sound on the young takers door,

It surprised her to see the takers from before.

“Little girl you were right, now we all understand.”

“It’s not right to use creatures just ‘cause we all can.”

“They have rights of their own and deserve to be free.”

“Not one creature exists just to serve you and me.”

So the girl and the takers decided that day,

To stand up for all creatures in every way.

They’d adopt homeless creatures and live cruelty-free,

And they’d educate others, just like you and me.

When they’d talk to new takers they’d start with the phrase,

“We were takers who took, but now things need to change.”